Draco Hates People
by Irishsodabread
Summary: He's not antisocial. Just really ornery. See what happens when Draco runs into a drunk classmate of his. What does he do? What does he say? Godknows....R&R... Rated Pg13 for language i guess and drinking....
1. Default Chapter

Pissed Drunk

I'm rather ornery when I'm around a whole mass of people I don't like. And that's usually all the time. I don't like a lot of people. The club was too crowded with stupid patrons that I had to leave for fear that my IQ level would diminish if I stayed any longer in their presence.

I really hate people.

I'm not usually like this really. I mean, I'm not anti social like this. I have a whole mass of friends where I always have a great time around.

But they're not here right now; hence the pissy attitude.

The stupid Wizarding town that I had decided to visit this weekend was nothing more than a waste of time. This town is known for all the clubs and bars to drink, all about the fun is usually had here with the young magical wankers.

It wasn't fun.

Sure I had a couple drinks, and hit on some girls, but that's beside the point.

The point is.

I just hate people….

I enter a club, a seedy one you know the sort? Well, since it's a seedy sort of place, the men that hang around are nothing more than exactly that, seedy.

I sneer of course.

I look around, and then head towards the bar.

I ask for a firewhiskey and sit down.

The music bores me. I hate the damn techno muggle crap that's so popular these days. Sure I have four of the albums at home, but that's beside the point.

The point is.

Is that I hate it.

I watch patrons dance around me. Women are dressed in scandalous outfits and grind against the crotches of men. Sure I wouldn't mind a little crotch grind myself, but I'm simply too tired lift my precious tight little ass off of this bar stool. Maybe later.

A loud laugh distracts me from a pretty blond who was grinding against some ugly bloke. The laugh is to my left, and I turn my head towards the noise. It's a woman, her back turned towards me. She's sitting on a stool talking to a whole mass of guys around her.

She seems pretty interesting.

She sways in her seat a little, indicating that alcohol has hit her fully. Drunken girls are always fun to hit on.

I watch her still, her brown hair to her shoulders. It's a mousy brown, and sleek and shiny. She dressed in a nice red shirt and a black skirt. From the back, I can tell that she has a nice body, pretty well endowed with some hips.

I can't tell about her ass and tits yet though.

She laughs louder still as I watch the man next to her slip his hand up her calf and up. She swats it away and turns towards a blonde guy in front of her. The man she swatted away seems a little shirty. In my opinion, serves the damn wanker right.

I watch her, she's much more interesting that anyone in this damned club.

But again, seeing as I think I have A.D.H.D, I get up and walk towards the door and out the door.

The streets are wet from the rain.

I'm really in a sodden mood.

I walk for a while, uninterrupted, until…

Someone knocks into my shoulder

"Hey, watch where you're going" I snap at the small figure in front of my eyes.

" N-now listen here buddy boy, I'ma not going to take any cccrap from no one! I ccan kick your ass from here to timbucktoo! " a rather familiar voice sounds and it is then that I look closer at the small figure in front of me.

It seemed that I had bumped into a school mate of mine.

Hermione Granger.

She laughed at her nonsensical and unfunny joke.

I watch as she swayed a little, adjusting her stance awkwardly in her high heels. She looked at me with some recognition before her brown eyes glazed over a bit.

" Ganger?"

She had a lopsided grin on her face.

" Are _you_ drunk?"

Should I continue??

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	2. Pissed Drunk 2

I have known Granger for six years. She has always been nothing more than a stuck up, preppy little wanker that I have wanted to push down the stairs for the better part of my teenage life.

Never really acted on it though, seeing as I am the intellectual sort.

Posh!

I never thought I would see her drunk!

And yet there she was, her sleek brown hair (where did that come from?) dishelmed slightly. She looks me up and down with interest. I try not to laugh with excitement.

I get to see her make an ass out of herself

How totally ravishing!

Maybe this night isn't as hopeless as I thought.

Her grey pea coat is unbuttoned and I can see her outfit underneath. She has a red shirt and black short skirt on. How odd. I did not know she had those legs.

She readjusts her stance again, trying her best to keep steady.

"No, I'm not drunk, I'm just utterly disoriented!" She yells loudly, swaying and pointing.

"I can't believe how utterly exciting this is!" I mumble as I walk towards her and grab her by the arm and walk with her.

She does not seem surprised that her mortal enemy is walking with her down the street. But then again, she doesn't seem to notice a lot of things

Such as that I can see a better part of her cleavage, seeing as her red shirt was unbuttoned to her belly button. I can see everything, and it's really not a bad sight.

What?

I _am_ a hot blooded male.

I think about just letting her walk around in public with a better part of her boobs hanging out. But the gentleman inside me (how I hate him) says something.

"You know Mudblood, your boobs are hanging out…." I say suavely.

She blinks and looks down. Alcohol really does seem to dull the girl down, because she just buttons it up like its nothing. Although I'm sure I think I distinctly heard her mutter 'Bloody rat bastard…"

This makes me smile.

And while alcohol seems to make her dull, it also makes her a little bit loose.

Who doesn't become loose on the damned stuff?

She stumbles and utters a tipsy little 'whoops!' her heels clanking on the cobblestone street. I hold her still, not because I want to help a damsel in distress, but because I want to observe some interesting behavior, and also have something to talk about back at school.

"OH NO!" She yelps next to me, stopping suddenly.

"What?"

"I can't believe tthus!"

"What Ganger?"

"He couldn't have..."

"Oh merlin…"

"Oh my gosh, whaat ami going to do now?" She starts to cry next to me.

Dammit, did I ever mention that I really have it when people whine?

Or when girls cry…

Well now would be the situation…

" God dammit Granger, what is wrong?" I snarl

" I l-l-l-lost my p-p-purse!" She sobs.

I blink, and stare at the mess in front of me. I finally realize something, something I was utterly blind to until now

That while I hate people…

I hate drunken people even more.

"Granger, it's on your shoulder…" I mutter and turn and walk ahead…

"Oh, silly me…" She says irritatingly. It takes a while before she realizes that I am not in fact right there with her, but a couple feet ahead of her.

I can hear her heels clanking on the cobblestone clumsily.

"Wait!"

"No…"

"Just wait please!"

I didn't answer.

It wasn't long before I didn't hear the clanking anymore. Or anything. No, the only thing I heard was a loud 'oh no' and some fumbling.

I turn around.

And I find Granger on her bum.

Her black left heel broke.

I walk over to her to help her up. Only as a gentleman should.

The interesting thing is, though hilarious, is that Grangers short skirt is hitched up pretty high, and I can see a better part of her thighs. Not to mention her black knickers.

"Nice pair of knickers you've got there Mudblood." I say smoothly as I offer her a hand to help her out.

She rubs her bottom, and absentmindedly answers my 'compliment' with a thank you.

Sober Hermione would kick my ass from here to Zimbabwe.

Lucky for me, the girl was three sheets to the wind.

"You know D-draco, I'm feeling a little bit..." She hiccupped, "a bit…"

" Out with it woman!" I snap.

" woozy…" She grips her stomach.

" Oh merlin no, you are not upchucking on my watch…"

She looks up with me with sad eyes, a pure look of discomfort on her face.

" I'm fleeling pretty damn woozy." She fans her face with her hand. She turns her head and looks to her left. " Oh a bar!" she limps over to the building, one shoe on, the other in hand.

She's a damned mad woman.

I decide to follow her into the building, seeing as I don't have anything to do.

As usual, the place consists of slutty drunk girls, and horny drunk guys.

I look towards the bar, immediately finding the brunette girl that has been accompanying me for the past couple hours.

She sits on an empty stool. I can see grown men's eyes all over her. She doesn't seem to notice as asks the bartender loudly for a couple shots of firewhiskey. I watch her quietly.

I may hate the girl, but I can't deny the fact that she is a total sex pot in that outfit. Short skirts and nice legs are just my par-tay. Too bad she doesn't have much of a personality. She has a nice face. Not absolutely stunning, but yea, I could do that. Her body is alright. It's just…

There I admit it…

I'm a leg man.

Everyone would think I'm a breast man… I'm not.

A man approaches her, in his thirties and pretty seedy looking. Like a repressed molester or something. He puts his hand on her thigh. She swats it away as she takes a shot of her firewhiskey. He seems a little mad. He does it again, but she gives him the hardest look she can ( which isnt much because of the glaze.) and tells him alone. He looks a little annoyed.

I just watch.

Gentleman interfere when a lady friend is being harassed.

But I really pity the guy.

Granger has a pretty mean slap.

I know from experience.

She sways a little in her stool, spilling her precious drink on her skirt a little.

I decide to interfere when he grabs her arm and tries to drag her off. She fights, as always. Though her coordination is way off.

" Excuse me sir, but why are you fondling my girlfriend?" I asked in an almost bored tone.

" Er… sorry mate…" He scampers off like a cockroach. Stupid wanker

" Yea, you better be… She's only seventeen."

I look down at the brunette in front of me.

" Thatman was so………. So…" She's angry.

Better run for cover.

"PERVY!"

"Yes Granger he was… But that's what you get for wearing something like that in a place like this…"

" What?" She blinks…

" You're clothes…"

" My clothes?" a little confused before she looks down at her ensemble

"Yes Mudblood you have clothes on. So do me and the Queen. Isn't that grand, both of you wear clothes. How does it feel to have something in common with royalty?"

She stares at me blankly, and her eyes glaze over again.

" I wanta 'nother drink…" She stumbles off

I follow.

" How many have you had?" I ask

" Ummmmmmmmmmmmm…." She attempts to think hard

I stare…

" Umm I think abouta….ten…" she counted on her fingers.

Ten?

Oh bloody hell….

How do you like it? I'm having fun writing this!! Its fun!!! So review because I want to write more….

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	3. One tequila,two tequila, three!

One fire whiskey

Two fire whiskey

Three fire….

It's a sad sight to see when you can watch a 5'1 one hundred and fifteen pound woman out drink a man three times her size.

And that's exactly what I was witnessing right now.

Though I'm sure she didn't have ten shots of fire whiskey before, seeing as she would be dead from alcohol poison by now, she's had enough to make her more than a little tipsy.

I sipped on my beer as I watch her laugh and smile at the swarm of men all around her. She really was a social butterfly when she has some drink in her.

What would Potter and Weasley think of her if they saw her.

They'd probably try to break off a piece of that also….

I groan as another techno beat comes on and throw my head on the counters.

I really hate techno.

I feel a hand slip into mine and I look up to see a lopsided grin of the mudblood.

She drags me to the dance floor.

I yank my hand away and try to walk back to my stool…

Too late though.

Someone else took it.

Stupid wankers.

I again feel a small hand slip around my forearm and I reluctantly follow.

To tell the truth, I wasn't really in the mood to dance.

I'd rather sit my sweet little tushy on that seat and watch HER make an ass of herself

But whatever.

We get to the middle of the dance floor and she turns around.

You know what's happening now?

I'm getting myself a nice little crotch grind.

She sways seductively to the music (she stumbles)

Her hips going back and forth

She bends down seductively and her ass is even pressed tighter against me.

She may be a stupid cow when sober

But when drunk, she's a minx

I grab hold of her waist and we sway to the techno beat.

She turns around and links her arms around my neck

She leans back tossing her hair back, using my arms at her waste for support.

God she's hott…

She brings her head back up and stares at me with these…

These…. Eyes that pull me in.

She stands on her tip toes and lifts her mouth to my ear.

She nibbles it.

Oh god….

)(((&

We are sweaty and at the bar, again. On Grangers orders of course. She sits on a stool next to me, breathing heavily from our nice little roll. I order us a beer and I sit and stare.

She's unusually quiet.

I look over and she's staring at me, her eyes unfocused.

" I'm going to the bathroom…" She says dazedly. I blink

" Your what?" I asked, rather disgusted.

"I'm going to the bathroom.." She says, her eyes still unfocused.

"Good God woman, can't you hold it?" I ask, revolted at the thought of her pissing right then and there.

" No you w-wanka! I need to take a piss." She gets up and starts walking to the loo, after bumping into another stool.

Stupid me, I thought she was actually pissing right there.

(&(

"Bloody bitch!" I hear her curse next to me.

"What Granger?" I ask after taking a sip of my beer.

"That g-guurl, she gave me a… a…" She sputters

"Herpes?" I ask stupidly. I love teasing the girl.

She stares at me, rather confused. Then, her rather unfocused and glazed over eyes go back to the frightening look they had before. " No, tha biitch gave meh a look. Stupid floozy!" She spits.

Oh god no…

"I think we should leave."

"No!"

"Yes Granger we have to leave.." I talk to her as if talking to a child. I grab her arm and start towards the door.

She looks forlorn.

I notice this and turn quickly, trying to prevent another cry attack. But she just looks angry now…

" Whut makes y-you think that you c-can just grab me and ppush meh around?" She stands rather awkwardly. It is then that I notice that she still only has one shoe on. The other is in her purse.

" Because…." I push her forward " I am so-ber!"

" Y-you've had jjust as much drank as me!" She stumbles forward.

" Yes, but unlike you, I can hold my drink…."

" Stupid wanker…." I hear her mutter as she limps down the cobble stone streets.

It's quiet and I it finally gives me a chance to think. I think about how I got into this predicament.

That was because I wanted to witness someone make an ass of herself.

And I certainly was.

But what I didn't understand was that, why was I being so helpful towards the drunk?

I haven't a clue.

She stops suddenly and turns toward me

She blinks.

I blink.

She readjusts her stance

And pray to god that I don't get bitch slapped again.

She has a lopsided grin on her face.

Her eyes are still unfocused

And she still only has one shoe on.

"I have to pee…" She says suddenly.

"Lovely…" I mutter while I lead her over to the nearest loo.

()&(&

" Oh… justa glass o' wine…" She whines as I lead her out of bar quickly. She snuck in while I was waiting for her to get out of the loos.

I luckily caught her just as she entered.

It's really not hard to spot her.

Just look for the girl with the limp...

We continue down the road.

Suddenly she grabs my arm and pulls me to another club

Good god.

The name of the club is "Febreeze."

Rather corny name I think.

Sounds like an air freshener.

We enter, and it's a pretty wild club.

But it still consists with the regulars.

Horny men and slutty girls.

I grab for Grangers arm, knowing that we shouldn't be here. I really don't want to be here. I really hate clubs.

Especially ones with names like " Febreeze"

" Comeon! " She whines. " I p-promise" Hiccup " I wwont drink…"

I think to myself

That's a total and complete lie.

But whatever.

I sit down and she flounces off and dances.

I watch her.

Sway those hips baby…

" I rrreally needa drink…" She says as she plops her sweet ass right next to me.

" No…"

Suddenly I hear a shriek.

I turn

And so does she.

Running towards us is Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil.

Oh bloody hell.

" Ohmigod Hermione! What are you doing here?" Lavender asks.

" J-just havin some ffun…" Granger grins.

" And why are you here with him?"

" I don't kknow. I mean, he wasn't herre and now he is… like magic…" She slurs out.

" Ohmigod, he's taking care of you!!" Lavender squeals

" That is soooo chivalrous!" Parvati screeches.

I finally come to the conclusion that they are not drunk

Just really_ really_ stupid.

" I'm not being chivalrous! I just want to witness some interesting behavior from the Mudblood extraordinaire…" I spit.

" Hmm… whatever…" Lavender doesn't seem too convinced either does her retarded confidant.

" Well, we best be off. Lot's of hotties in this place right Parv?" Parvati nods " Bye Hermione. See you Malfoy." They wave off and flounce to the dance floor.

Hermione watches them for a second, a goofy grin on her face.

She turns to look at me.

Her gaze unfocused

And glazed.

She stares

" I have to pee…"

How do you like this?? I really REALLY like writing this story. Most of my other stories are all serious and sad.. This ones really fun to write.

So review so I can write more………

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	4. Do you like pin'e collata? In the rain? ...

Do you like pina collate?

I don't own anything… period.

I'm tired.

My body aches from being up so long

My head aches from being around a silly drunk cow all night

And my feet ache from following the cow from club to club. I've been to more loos tonight than I think I've ever been in my life.

Why in the bloody hell don't I just ditch the bitch and just apparate to my house?

Why not?

Huh?

Why the bloody hell not?

Oh yea, because I'm a stupid wanker who had to be nice to the mudblood and followed her around for a couple for couple of laughs.

I didn't get much laughs.

Just a headache…

But a pretty damn satisfying crotch grind

" M-malfoy, I think I'm f-finished with tthis place. You know, I w-would like it very much if I could g-go to sleep." She says suddenly. " I think I'll just have a lie-down…"

She lays her head down on the bar, her eyes shutting quickly.

I shake her arms roughly.

I'm NOT carrying her.

No way.

She looks at me with red eyes.

" Come on…" I grab her arm and yank her to get feet.

She follows without resistance.

I hear a hiccup behind me.

" I'm damn tttired…." I hear her mutter behind me.

Where the hell should I take her?

Really I have no NO idea where I should take her.

I could always take her to the Burrow that would be an easy place to envision.

Just a cardboard box with ugly red heads crammed inside.

It could be fun, you know, with weasley being so totally in love with her and all. He would get mad, and I would laugh and say some really suggestive stuff.

Oh!

I could even mention the crotch grind…

And the ear nibbling!

But as tempting as it sounded, I was not eager to set a foot in that hole. Oh no…

And plus Weasley would beat my ass.

Potters place was hidden, I knew that from father.

Damn!

Where could I drop the girl?

She hiccups beside me and stumbles a little.

She's still limping, her foot missing a shoe.

Only this time, instead of the shoe being inside of her purse,

It's in my hand.

I finally conclude that I should take her back to my house.

Father was out with my mum at a social gathering.

Thank merlin.

I grabbed her arm and held onto her waist tightly.

I apparated

As soon as we arrived at my house, her face contorted.

"I'm feeling a bit—" she hiccups " –wwoozy…"

I immediately point her to the nearest loo.

I contort my face.

Granger puke.

How utterly disgusting.

I go towards the kitchen.

I grab some cookies.

I glance at the clock. Its only 1:03 in the morning.

Goodness!

The night seemed so much longer.

I hear her some clanking down the hall and conclude it must be Grangers foot.

She waddles into the kitchen, looking me up and down.

"I feel so u-utterly disgusting." She mumbles

"You look it…" I brush past her and into the living room.

I light a fire quickly and sit down in my favorite chair.

I close my eyes, enjoying the relaxation of being alone in the quiet.

It isn't long before I hear some soft sobbing behind me.

Oh fiddlesticks….

I turn around to see Granger standing there crying, her eyes red and her hair in her face.

" Am I that dis-dis-dis….nasty?" she stuttered through the sobs

Oh god, oh god…

Remember when I said that I hated crying women?

Well I never actually said why I don't like crying women.

It's not because I don't like seeing them cry and I'm a gentleman that way.

No, that's not it.

It's just that I don't know how to handle them.

Fuck!

And this ones piss drunk!

"No…" I said hesitantly

"Yes I am!" she spat, the tears came faster.

"No your not… Believe me…"

"Yea, Ima beast!" she sobbed

"No your not…" I repeated. I don't know what to say.

" Why do y-you lie D-draco Malfoy? I am uugly. My hair, my teeth. If I was so pretty then why the h-hell am I alone? No one thinks i-I'm pretty." She was getting angry.

I don't know which is scarier, angry granger, or crying granger.

She starts sobbing even harder

God help me….

"You are not ugly. In fact you are… are very pretty." I say finally. I realize im going to regret that comment soon.

" Rrreally?" She says with a smile on her face.

" Uhhh…. Yea." I said hesitantly

" Y-your not so ccconvincing." The tears start again.

" Your very pretty… But not my type." I say quickly.

" So your saying i-im ugly…"

" No I'm not…"

" You just sssaid I'm n-not your type… which is just a polite way of saying YOURE UGLY!" she sobbed loudly.

" No its not…"

' Y-yes it is…"

"No."

" Yup!"

" Holy freaking hell! When I say no, I mean NO." I snap.

She stares at me for a second.

" I have to pee…"

Shoot me now!

I sit in silence for almost 5 minutes. She still hadn't come back

It must be a really long pee.

I hear the pit-pat of her feet against the hardwood floor.

She took off her other shoe. Finally.

I don't even open my eyes, hoping she will take my silence as a hint as I don't want to speak to her.

" I'm very ugly…"

She doesn't take hints too well does she?

" No your not…" I get up finally and walk towards her, and grip her by the shoulders.

I glance quickly at the clock.

It's 2:53 in the morning.

I look into her red eyes. They really are a beautiful color of brown up close.

I stare deeply into her eyes.

She is relaxed in my grasp. I can feel her sway a little.

"You are not ugly." I say this as sincerely as I can muster.

"Ye-"I stop her from crying again.

"No you are very beautiful. In fact you know what?" I say this to make her go to sleep.

"What?"

"I saw many guys tonight looking at you like a piece of meat."

"So… T-they were probably looking at mme because I am piss drunk…" she says sarcastically and I can't help but chuckle a little.

"Yes. And no. You really are quite beautiful." I'm not lying. She really is. Even as an uncoordinated hussy with one shoe on. "In fact even I was staring at you as if you were a piece of meat. A sexy piece of meat with an ever so enticing short skirt on…" I raise my eyebrows suggestively.

I am ever the honest man.

I am just asking for death right now.

She stares at me for a second.

I sincerely hope that she doesn't slap me. Or chop my balls off or something. Really this girl is frightening when angry.

"Really? You're not just saying that?"

**I know, it took me a while to write this… but really people I was trying and I was busy. So how do you like this? I really REALLY love writing this story more-so than my other stories. **

**NOTICE: THIS MAY BE MY LAST UPDATE FOR 2-3 MONTHS, MAYBE MORE. I am relocating from ****New York**** to ****Pennsylvania****, and as I am not a computer wiz, I might not have internet for a looong time. Which could be pretty good, considering I'm addicted to it. but please be patient. plus, the down time will give me some time to write more chapters…**

**REVIEW kiddos, might make me write another chapter before I move..**

**R&R**

**Later love dolls…**


	5. Jack Daniels is my friend

She looked straight in my eyes.

They were pretty glassy.

Piss drunken hussy.

She seemed oddly flattered that I had called her a sexy piece of meat and that she was oh so enticing in that skirt.

She was mildly retarded while intoxicated. But then, who wasn't?

She stepped closer to me, a silly smile on her face.

Oh no, maybe she wasn't flattered.

She leaned closer, her glassy eyes wavering for a second.

She stepped into such close proximity to me that I could not help but put my arms around her.

It wasn't long before I noticed that she was leaning closer, and her glassy brown eyes were now closed.

It wasn't long after that, that I felt her lips upon mine.

Taken back at first.

But then I realized that with a drunk female, which this could lead up to a rather invigorating crotch grind that did not involve the rather itchy constraints of clothes.

I pulled her close, and kissed her hastily.

" Oy, Draco!"

It was then that I realized that my cousin, Alfred Malfoy, better known as Alfie was in fact staying with us for the break.

Alfie was an overweight freeloader who had nothing going for him except that his favorite snack food was possibly going on sale next week.

He looked like me, only fat, and way uglier.

But he was a ladies man, probably because of the last name.

His uncle had in fact kicked him out a while ago, for being lazy and was not exactly the son he had hoped for.

Alfie had begged my father, and being the rather odd man that he was, Mr. Malfoy took him under his wing.

"Do we have anymore milk—oh who is this?"

"Nobody." I said quickly and steered Hermione towards the stairs. To my room.

But she was too quick. "I'm hhHermione" she slurred out and offered her hand for him to shake.

"Beautiful name." He flirted shamelessly.

" T-t-thankyou. It means Hermie…As in Hermit crab." She snorted, laughing at her TERRIBLE joke.

Alfie didn't seem like he was listening. The boy always seemed to have a short attention span. I think her chest distracted him.

"Granger lets go." I grabbed her shoulder. I didn't like the way he stared at her chest.

"No. I want to meet your _very well endowed_ cousin." She pointed to his chest. Ha-ha, she just made fun of my cousin's grotesque man boobs!

I love this woman.

Not really.

You get what I mean.

"Hey!" it took a while for Alfie to understand what endowed meant, and in the terms she was speaking of. "I'm not fat."

"Yes you are…" Hermione giggled.

"Hermione lets go."

"I'm not fat you damned hussy." He shot back.

"Oh please porky, save yourself the energy and go eat another sandwich." She said icily. Damn, she was so slow witted before, but now, look at her. She's a damned tigress, ready to tear my poor cousin's eyes out with her words.

"Look at you, slut. Your hairs a mess and I even think I smell vomit."

"I think that's your arm pit buddy." She giggled. My cousin looked ready to murder to the small woman, and I was wishing I wasn't the only one witnessing this so I could place bets.

My bet would be on Granger.

Alfie always screamed like a girl.

"You better get out of my cousins house." He loomed over her darkly. She still giggled about the arm pit joke, not even noticing his looming.

"Actually, she's my guest, and I preferred she stay." I said quickly.

" Draco?" He questioned rather pathetically, it almost sounded like he was begging.

I just shot him an icy stare, which made him turn away towards his room. Or corridor I shall say.

She was still giggling. I never liked girls giggling, but then again I always enjoyed humor at the expense of others, so therefore I couldn't help but chuckle a little.

"Your cousins funny." She snorted.

"I'm sure."

" Malfoy." Alfie called from down the corridor.

"Yes?"

"I better not hear _anything._ And I better not find any fluids either. Gods know_ where_ she's been." He shouted.

"Oh shut up porky, go eat another _sausage_!" Hermione called back.

I heard some stamping and someone coming down the stairs. Alfie stood in front of us, enraged. He obviously got Hermione's double intoner about him being fat, _and_ gay.

"I'm not gay." He stiffened.

"Sure ya not" She slurred out.

"You're a skinny little bitch." He spat out

" Jealous?" She giggled.

Alfie sputtered, face turning red. I tried not to laugh.

"Whore." He said quickly and turned on his heel and stormed off.

"Whiny tosser" she giggled

" Harlot."

" Fattie." My cousin slammed his door at this. I burst out laughing.

"Hermione that was probably the most brilliant display of wit I've ever seen." I howled. Really, it was awesome. Alfie had always been kind of like an annoying older brother, who smelt bad. He was mean to me when I was little, probably jealous.

He probably was gay.

She was still giggling, sitting down on the couch and leaning back, grabbing her stomach. I calmed down a little and sat down next to her, chuckling from time to time.

"I think your sobering up." I said.

"Hmm?" she had stopped laughing, and was staring up at the ceiling serenely.

" Did you eat anything before you started drinking?" I asked.

" Nah.."

Oh dear, that's the reason why she was so intoxicated. She needed food to soak up the alcohol.

" You better eat something. I think you'll feel better."

A part of me was torn between leaving her drunk or sobering up.

Pros and Cons of Drunk Hermione.

_Pros:_

_1. Hilarity will ensue._

_2. Embarrassment of my tosser of a cousin, Alfie. _

_3. Possible snog. _

_Cons:_

_1. Vomit. _

_2. Constant bladder movements._

_Pros and Cons of Sober Hermione_

_Pros_

_1. …………………….._

_Cons:_

_1. Whiny Hermione!_

I am torn……

But alas, my better, nobler half has concluded that I should try to sober her up.

I lead her to my kitchen and give her something to eat. Some cookies.

She seems to be more coordinated afterwards, a little more focused.

" Malfoy, I'm really tired."

"Yea, me too." I look over at the clock; it's about 3:34 in the morning.

Normally, I would send her home. I do that to Pansy when she's over, or any other female. But since this is Hermione, and I presumed her reaction tomorrow would be somewhat frazzled and therefore hilarious, I sent her to my room.

I'm not going to sleep with her.

I am a gentleman after all.

I'll sleep in the room with her though. On the couch over by the fireplace.

She settles down into my bed, dreary eyed and still in her clothes. I put the blankets over her body.

She's already asleep.

I'm almost giddy at the entertainment promises of tomorrow.

Its going to be almost as good as when Potter fell off his broom.

And before I settle myself down on my plush, lush and oh so comfortable Italian couch, I think to myself that,

Granger isn't all that bad.

_000000 _

_So anyways, this took a while because I'm moving and I'm getting ready for the move. This might be my last time updating I don't know. _

_I know Hermione and Draco are a little out of character… But bear with me kiddies, its my storie. _

_And yes, the era of Drunk Hermione is coming to an end. Next, is sobered Hermione with a banging Hangover. _

_I think my house is haunted. _

_I got the name alfie from the jude law movie. Because he is hot, and that movies not. _

_I think Hermione was being a little mean, but hey, I took the idea and ran with it. _

_Don't be insulted at the rude names Hermione was calling alfie. Its just a story…._

_REVIEW _

_Irishsodabread_


	6. YOU WERE HAMMERED!

The birds chirped a lovely song, the sun shone through the drapes. Hermione's eyes fluttered slightly. It was too early.

The birds kept chirping. It was no longer a lovely song, it was a buzz saw. Hermione tried to go back to sleep.

She couldn't.

She screwed her face up, showing her very disapproval of getting up this early.

She really hated the sun.

And birds

She threw the duvet over her head. Hoping the darkness would lull her to sleep eventually.

But there was still that DAMNED BIRD!

She finally conceded and opened her eyes.

That was not her ceiling

She blinked a couple times.

Still wasn't her ceiling.

She turned her head to the left. These weren't her sheets, they were a deep forest green. She looked over towards the window. She didn't have a window that big. Or fancy.

She sat up quickly, getting a sharp bang to the side of her head.

" Holy shit." She muttered to herself, clutching her head.

She raised herself slowly up from the mattress. It still wasn't her room, no matter how many times she blinked or rubbed her eyes. The furniture was a deep mahogany wood, with green and silver accents in the pillows and drapes. It had a fireplace.

Her room _definitely _did not have a fireplace. Or was it big enough for a couch.

She slowly rose to her feet, so as not to disrupt her brain. She was still dressed in her clothes. Skirt and red top still intact. So no hanky panky occurred last night.

But still a skirt was a skirt, if you catch my drift.

She was barefoot, and the wood floor beneath her was chilly. She padded over to a door she hoped was a bathroom. Her eyes were still blurry.

Nope not a bathroom; just a closet.

Good lord, she had to pee.

She tried to walk as s-l-o-w-l-y to the next door.

She finally made it. And it was a bathroom.

0000

After she was finished with her business, she walked back towards the plush and luxurious bed. Hell, who ever owned this bed would have to tranquilize her to get her off it. Especially in this current hung-over state.

But curiosity eventually got the best of Hermione. Being the ever inquisitive trollop she was, she s-l-o-w-l-y got up again.

The room was beautiful, she had to admit.

But it wasn't long until she heard a rustling noise coming from the couch at the far end of the room.

S-l-o-w-l-y Hermione crept towards the leather couch. Its back was towards her and she could not see who was exactly there.

Eventually she made it towards the couch and…

" Holy shit!" she said loudly.

The man in the couch opened his eyes quickly, blurry silver eyes trying to readjust to the light.

" Holy shit is right Granger…" He wiped his eyes tiredly.

0000000

She was hung over, I could tell.

But that didn't stop her from firing questions at me left and right.

Damn it was early.

I look over to a clock.

12:34, maybe not so early.

She stared at me, her make up smudged from the sleep.

She looked horrible.

I'd still do her though.

" Holy shit! How did this happen?" she asked, gripping the mantel piece for balance.

"Yes I know, you hussy, it is a delirious thing waking up in my room. "

She stared at me, looking about ready to punch me.

"I should have peed in the closet." She muttered.

"You should have what?"

" Nothing." She answered nonchalantly.

" Pee in my closet. That has got to be the vilest thing ever Granger." I sat back in disgust.

" No you idiot. I should have, considering I woke up in the house of the prattiest prat of all prathood."

"Good, no pee in my closet. Just how I like it."

"I'm sure." She said icily. "Now, please tell me how I ended up here."

"You were drunk."

A look of puzzlement spread across her face. Goodness.

"I was not!"

"I believe you were. You were ever so loose, and swaying around violently. I'm sure that accounts for drunken behavior don't you think?"

"But I never drink. I only ordered soda and butterbeer. EVER."

"Well that wasn't butterbeer on your breath last night."

" OH fuck!"

" What?"

"Did we kiss?" She asks, making a face as if its revolting.

And just for her ugly face right then, I'm tempted at telling her that YES we did kiss.

"No."

"Oh thank god." She sits down in a leather chair.

"Hey!" I shout back, very insulted. "Well if you don't drink, then how come you were drunk? Did you take a drink from anyone?"

She looked like she was trying to remember something. She looked like flobberworm.

"Yea."

"Well there. Are you retarded? You of all people should know NOT to take a drink from a guy."

"Yea, well he told me it was some foreign drink from America."

"Did it taste like fruit punch?" Really is she stupid?

"No."

"Well there you go you mentally retarded hussy!"

"Yea, well I think you're mentally deranged." She shot back weakly.

" I preferred you when you were drunk!" I said.

"Asshole!"

"Bitch."

There was silence for a while.

" Malfoy."

"Yea?"

"Why'd you take me to your home?" she asked softly

"Because you were drunk and I though I could get a good lay." She looked about ready to punch me.

I wouldn't hold it against her if she did.

"Don't worry we didn't do anything." I reassured her.

"My heads killing me." She rubbed her head.

" You were hammered." I added helpfully.

" You don't have to remind me." She shot back " Do you have any asprin? Or medicine or anything to help this."

" I can make you a hang over potion, something to which I am an expert in making."

" I'm sure you are…. My head!" she moaned.

Funny, I was expecting a more exuberant reaction. I am disappointed. But she does seem a little distracted.

I make the potion, adding the troll warts here and the octopus tentacles there. It really is a grimy nasty thing, this potion.

But it works.

I give it to her and she gulps it down.

She made a funny face.

" Better?"

" Hmmn."

" Good, now get out of my house."

"Why are you being so nice to me?" she asked

What? I just asked her to get out of her house, how much more pricky can you get?

"Because I am full of goodwill and love towards everyone in the world."

"That's bullshit. What did you want Malfoy in the first place last night?"

"Well I wasn't really looking for anything; I was just out drinking in this town. I saw a sexy brunette surrounded by a horde of men. I walked out of that bar. And guess who I walk into Granger? YOU! Wonder who that sexy brunette was? You were drunk…."

" Yes I know that. Why did you help me?"

"I don't know. I was looking for some entertainment, and there you were. My prayers were answered. You really are a funny drunk."

"What did we do?" she asked, scratching her head.

" Well, you fell on your ass. That was funny. You took off your shoe, making you slump around a bit, like some cave man. You drank. You danced. You had ever increasing bladder problems, which, by the way you should get checked out. You almost got in a fist fight with some trollop. Ummm"

" That all? "

" No. Oh, and you looked like a HOTT piece of meat in that skirt, which by the way, is VERY enticing."

" You pig…"

" Yeah, but you did look good."

" Did it ever occur to you that I was completely intoxicated and---"

" That occurred many times…"

" AND that I had no means of determining if my outfit was demeaning or whatnot? Couldn't you have been a gentleman and guided me to a safe place and left me there, so I could deal with this with people who loved me?"

" Like who? Harry? "

" I don't know, maybe Ron?"

" Please I would never set foot in the burrow." I waved my hand carelessly." Besides I was a gentleman. I guided you to a VERY safe place; the beautiful confines of Malfoy Manor. Don't you feel privileged?"

" No, I don't. I feel as if I might vomit." She looked ill.

I forgot to tell her that the potion I gave tend to purge everything out of your stomach.

She ran for the bathroom.

" Hey stay away from that closet!"

_000000000_

_Just got done watching __Americas__ next top model. Eva won! Personally, I wanted Amanda to win, but just as long as yaya didn't win. Couldn't stand her. _

_So anyways, I wrote this in a fairly short time, which means I could probably get another update before I move. _

_Yay_

_My house is haunted…_

_Irishsodabread_


	7. The frazzled meets Alfie

She bent over the toilet, all of her current stomach contents pouring out of her mouth at the moment.

It was the nastiest thing she had ever seen.

She hated vomiting.

Hermione wiped her mouth and brushed her teeth with a conveniently placed toothbrush. Probably an extra one Malfoy always kept with him.

She steps back into the room, hating the grittiness of her teeth after emptying out her stomach. ( eww don't you hate that? Yech…) Malfoy was sitting by the fire.

She wanted to smack his head.

"I heard you in there…" He said finally.

"Lovely isn't it?" She retorted.

"No, it was vile and disgusting. Never do that again."

"Like you haven't thrown up Malfoy?" She snorted.

"I do, I just don't sound like a dying animal while doing it." He smirked.

"Whatever…" she sighed. She really didn't want to converse with him any longer. She just wanted to leave. "Can I leave now?"

"I would love for you to, but I want you to meet someone first."

"No, I don't want to meet anyone…" she gave him a glance once over, "or _anything_."

"If that _thing_ you're talking about is my penis Granger, then don't flatter yourself. I only have women meet him when he's in the mood, and now's not the time.And he's not a thing, but a beautiful creature."

"You're amazing." She stared at him.

"You know, I get that a lot from women."

"You're disgusting." She glared at him.

"You love it…" he led the way out his bedroom door, holding the door open for her; always the gentleman.

00000DracosPOVagain 00000

I had to admit, I was a little disappointed that she did not rage and scream and possibly cry this morning. It would have been funny.

She seemed a little frazzled, but not the reaction I expected.

And she almost peed in my closet.

But the prospect of her meeting my cousin still brought light into my very dark heart.

The scenario I am expecting will somehow go like this:

Granger will get angry,

Alfie will shriek and pull her hair

And I will be filled with a days worth of entertainment.

As we walked down my very beautiful and expensive marble staircase, Granger was saying something; I don't know I wasn't really listening.

All I could focus on was her awesome ass…

"What's this floozy still doing here Draco?" My fat disgusting cousin called from across the room.

"Beg your pardon?" Granger seemed taken back at his comment… and probably his fatness.

"Ha, you're not getting any pardon from me sister, your just some two timing hoe…" I forgot to tell you that my cousin Alfie liked to talk like some American ghetto J.Lo; only with a British accent. And a penis, however small it may be.

"Have we met before?" Hermione asked.

"Yes we have, and you were the vilest and most disgusting whore Draco here has ever brought home." He sneered at her. Granger looked at me confused for a moment.

"Hermione, incase you were too intoxicated to remember, this is my cousin Alfie."

"I'm not a whore…We didn't even" Hermione shot back, ignoring me completely.

"Oh, you didn't do you? I'm sure Draco didn't have the stomach to touch a thing like you…" He sneered at her.

"Actually"I tried to put my word in about how I would _love_ to touch a thing like Granger. And do among other things. But Hermione cut me to the chase.

"Your just jealous cause you can't get any…" she sneered.

Meow and the claws come out…

"I can get some whenever I damn well please.." Alfie said proudly.

"Well seeing as you didn't get Malfoy gene that they are so well known for, I'm guessing some blind girl named Gilda was your most recent conquest."

I am as giddy as a school girl. I almost giggle in excitement and giddiness. But I'm no fairy ass ponce.

" Or, maybe you can't get any, cause you don't _want_ any. At least of the female variety. " Hermione said to a completely flummoxed Alfie. He sputters like some sort of fish of the sputtering variety.

And finally, he slaps her and walks out the door.

Granger holds her cheek for half a second, looking absolutely furious. She turns towards me, and stares at my face, still holding her cheek.

"What you can give it but you can't take it?" I say finally.

She slaps me and runs back towards my room.

I'm a complete idiot.

0000

Yay I updated… I moved, so therefore everything in my life is discombobulated… I don't think I'm going to update again for a long while cause everything is so different. And its really hard to focus on everything… gimme a couple a weeks and I'll get the writing bug in me again…

Review my prettys…

Irishsodabread


	8. I heart cake

I held my cheek for what felt like fifteen hours. The little whore!

I probably deserved that, but there was no reason, ABSOLUTELY NO REASON, to display random acts of violence. On me no less!

I slowly walk up the stairs, still holding my cheek. Absolutely aghast at what Granger had just done.

I slowly walk to my room, still holding my cheek.

I go to open my perfectly polished rosewood doors. But it's locked.

A million questions ran through my mind, and all of them pertaining to the possible ravaging of my belongings.

"Unlock this door this instant!" I left my wand in my room. Go Figure!

"Bite me!" She shrieked

"Love to, but it seems that at the moment there is a **6 inch barrier hindering me from gnawing at that supple little hide of yours**!"

"You're an asshole!" she yelled from behind the door.

"What did I do?" I ask, trying to sound as innocent as possible.

That's when I hear it, a sound unlike any other. It was deep at first, from deep within the throat. Then it escalated into something more frightening. I seriously felt fear for my life. I almost fled like some poor deer running from a wild beast.

" Did you just growl?"

She opened the door, but just on a crack to let her head out. " Yes, I did!"

" Don't do it again…."

She does it again, only louder.

I cover my ears, " Stop, no more please. I fear I might become sterile if you keep this up."

" Bugger off Malfoy." She says through clenched teeth

" Sorry can't its my house. Now let me in my room this instant." I try to stop myself from stamping my foot. It's a pointless effort.

"NO!" I hear her yell… and then I hear something shatter.

"Let me in!" I screech in an oh-so manly way.

I hear her unlock the door and step away. I come barreling through, eyes wide with fury. I would have my face distorted into that of anger and fury, if I hadn't known that making faces can also cause wrinkles.

I look around my room. Nothing seems to be wrong,

"What did you break?"

"Nothing." She says coolly.

"What did you break? "

"Just a mug..." she said brazingly.

I look over at the shattered mess by the fireplace.

"Mymug?"

"If you mean the mug with that grotesque picture on it, then yes I did break it?"

"The mug with _my_ picture on it? That was my mother's favorite" I really don't care about the mug, its just that it was mine. " –Oh hell Granger."

" I want to go home. NOW." She stamps her foot in an oddly familiar way.

" Yes, yes, you are aloud to leave."

I lead her to the front doorway, the one with the very expensive rosewood doors my father had imported from Italy. The only way to get out of Malfoy grounds is to walk out of the house about 50 yards and apparate. My father is a very clever man. And as you know, the apple doesn't fall that far away from the tree

Granger goes to grasp the gold doorknob. She turns it. I can see a look of fear and foreboding pass over her face as she looks over at me. She goes to turn it again.

" MALFOY!" she screeches and lunges herself at me, pounding my chest as hard as she can.

"Stop!" I grab her wrists, "–what's wrong?"

"You bastard, do you like making me miserable? Do you just want me to go crazy?"

"No I'd actually like to see you drunk again, but I guess that only happens once in a blue moon so I guess my time has passed. What is wrong, just go walk outside and go home!"

"Can't, the door won't open."

"You're shitting me."

"Nope." She shakes her head.

"Don't be stupid Granger, just go."

Angrily, she lunches for the doorknob again, pulling as hard as she can. Shaking and turning as she pulls, I'm almost afraid for the doorknob, as it is now under the wrath of Granger.

I don't normally feel sorry for inanimate things, but now at this very moment, I do.

" See, its broken."

" No its because your just a stupid weak girl." I push her out of the way ignoring the repulsed 'excuse me?' and do my own version of the Granger-doorknob dance. Only I think mine is much more refined.

"Shit! We're locked in." I say through clenched teeth. " Alfie must have done this on purpose. Bloddy hell!"

"You're an asshole!" she says coldly again.

"You know that's getting kind of repetitive…What he hell is your problem, I'm not happy about our predicament either…"

"You're such a chauvinistic idiot…"

"No I'm not… and stop with the insults little lady."

"You are too… calling me a stupid weak girl. You know, I take more offense to that than you calling me a mudblood."

"Oh come on, get over it." I wave my hand at her. Really her whining is starting to get on my nerves.

" Get over it? Well screw you Malfoy, you have no idea blah blah blah blah de blah de blah…." That all I hear as I walk towards the kitchen to grab a crumpet or something. I need some food.

And maybe a drink.

000

You all happy with this chapter? I really love this story, it so much fun to write. Keep the reviews coming cause I want to write more…


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